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Couples, Marriage, Mental Health, Premarital

Premarital Counseling

Namaste Family Services
December 6, 2019
chelsea, counseling, engaged, family, marriage, pre-marital

After a couple is engaged and has set the date for the marriage, they may seek premarital counseling with the Minister, Priest or Rabbi who will be presiding the ceremony. This usually involves three meetings or so and can include a personality profile that shows where couples are in agreement, or where they may differ. It also includes the religious aspect of marriage.

Or, some couples seek a secular marriage with no religious overtones. Many couples will seek premarital counseling to address specific aspects of the relationship from an emotional and mental health perspective.

Namaste Family Services offers 6-8 sessions specifically designed to address common difficulties that can occur within marriage after the honeymoon phase has worn off. The most common areas that couples seek help with are:
1. Communication.
2. Finances.
3. Defining the shared responsibilities of running a household.
4. Parenting.
5. Controlling behavior.

In these sessions, every couple will learn skills to communicate that are compassionate and resolve conflict in a peaceful manner. In addition to compassionate communication, other issues that are of concern will be addressed according to their unique needs.

Almost all couples enter the sanctity of marriage with the goal of growing old together and sharing life together. Premarital counseling helps to build a solid foundation in which to launch a loving and fruitful partnership.

Uncategorized

Spanking does more harm than good

Paul Douglas
November 19, 2019

ANN ARBOR — An analysis of 50 years of research showed no evidence that spanking does any good for children; instead, it increases their risk of detrimental outcomes.

Experts at the University of Michigan and the University of Texas looked at decades of research from 75 studies involving more than 160,000 children, who showed increased signs of aggression, mental health problems, and cognitive difficulties.

Spanking children to correct misbehavior is a widespread practice by many parents, yet one shrouded in a debate about its effectiveness and appropriateness.

“Our analysis focuses on what most Americans would recognize as spanking and not on potentially abusive behaviors,” said Elizabeth Gershoff, associate professor of human development and family sciences at the University of Texas.

“We found that spanking was associated with unintended detrimental outcomes and was not associated with more immediate or long-term compliance, which is parents’ intended outcomes when they discipline their children.”

Gershoff and co-author Andrew Grogan-Kaylor, associate professor at the University of Michigan School of Social Work, found that spanking (defined as an open-handed hit on the behind or extremities) was significantly linked to detrimental outcomes.

“The upshot of the study is that spanking increases the likelihood of a wide variety of undesired outcomes for children,” Grogan-Kaylor said. “Spanking thus does the opposite of what parents usually want it to do.”

The researchers also tested for long-term effects among adults who were spanked as children. They found that the more they were spanked, the more likely they were to exhibit antisocial behavior and to experience mental health problems.

They were also more likely to support physical punishment for their own children, which highlights one of the key ways that attitudes toward physical punishment are passed from generation to generation, the researchers said.

“We as a society think of spanking and physical abuse as distinct behaviors,” said Gershoff, who previously taught at U-M. “Yet our research shows that spanking is linked with the same negative child outcomes as abuse, just to a slightly lesser degree.”

In the U.S., there has been a slight decline over the years in the degree to which parents approve of spanking, Grogan-Kaylor said. Meanwhile, there is a far greater movement globally to ban corporal punishment, he said.

The study appears in the Journal of Family Psychology.

Marriage, Mental Health, Reality, Therapy

What is Reality Therapy?

Namaste Family Services
October 25, 2019

When I did my graduate work to become a psychotherapist I was introduced and trained in three theories of treatment.

1. Psychodynamic.
2. Family systems.
3. Cognitive Behavioral.

However, my undergrad major was social work. The basic tenets of social work do not rely on the above psychological beliefs. The beginnings of social work can be traced back to Jane Adams (September 6, 1860 – May 28, 1935) and her work in Chicago with immigrants and families who were impoverished. The basic necessities such as food, clothing, shelter, hygiene were paramount to survival. In 1943, Abraham Maslow wrote the paper, “A Theory of Human Motivation.” In this paper, he proposed that humans have a “Hierarchy of Needs” starting with the basic needs mentioned above. This was further defined in his book, “Motivation and Personality.” Once these needs are met, individuals can go to the next level, which according to Maslow is Safety, then Social, Self Esteem, and Self Actualization. At any point in a person’s life, they may have to descend the hierarchy to reclaim the original needs. For example, the loss of a job puts in jeopardy the ability to obtain basic necessities. This doesn’t mean that an individual regresses in their personal growth, but their priorities change. Another example is when

you lose a close friendship or have to move and lose the community you had developed for your social needs.
William Glasser, MD defines Reality Therapy as, “…A therapeutic approach that focuses on problem-solving and making better choices in order to achieve specific goals. …Reality therapy is focused on the here and now rather than the past.” (https://www.crchealth.com/types-of-therapy/reality-therapy/). Reality Therapy-borrowing from Maslow’s hierarchy-uses problem solving to help the client address the specific blocks that are hindering their ability to resolve the current dilemma they are facing.
In my practice, I blend the different psychological approaches to address the difficulties my clients are facing. Reality therapy techniques are used when an obvious solution is visible or a client is stuck in faulty or fantasy beliefs. An example of the use of reality therapy is in the couple’s work I do. On rare occasions, I will have a partner who is emotionally abusive or controlling their partner. Many times, the may not recognize how they are abusive. Directly addressing the abusive behavior is essential in these cases in order to save the relationship.

There are two basic tenets of Psychotherapy. The first one is the Hippocratic Oath which is summed up in the phrase, “Do no harm.” The second tent is, “Meet the client where they are at.” When a client seeks counseling they are at various stages in their life. From developmental to psychological, to specific circumstances. Understanding and having empathy for a client is paramount to developing a therapeutic “healing” relationship. In the initial stages of therapy, it is usually not effective to be using reality therapy until trust has formed. For some, their ego or sense of self is not stable sufficiently to use problem-solving skills as it may overwhelm them. An example is when someone has recently lost a loved one. Problem-solving is not effective during the initial stages of grief. Developing a safe, nurturing environment during the sessions allows a client to gradually address concreate problems. However, in an urgent or crisis period, the client must change, avoid, or remedy specific dilemmas or their emotional or physical health may be threatened if not injured.

Reality therapy can be as simple as gently pointing out how a person communicates to others may be considered inappropriate. Or, it may be as complex that it needs to be addressed in specific concrete steps laid out in a logical order to achieve the desired outcome.
The most effective way to use the techniques of reality therapy is with compassion, empathy, and timing so that it can be heard and utilized by the client. Unfortunately, there are times when I have had to be blunt with a client because their actions are hurting the physical or emotional wellbeing of others around them. Or their actions are seriously hurting themselves. This is the most difficult time for a client. And once the intervention is completed, a return to empathy and compassion can negate the sharp edge of reality.

Throughout my training, I was told that I must not induce my opinions or emotions into the session. This is sound advice for 95% of all therapeutic issues. However, when I see a client drinking themselves to death, or their hostile actions are hurting those around them, it is my belief that it would be unethical to not confront it with the force directly needed to alter the actions of the client. This is the hardest part of the job. I have seen many a therapist avoid and thus collude with the negative behaviors. An example of this is when a husband berates or belittles their spouse in the session and the therapist sits back without intervening.
In short, reality therapy is a technique that is used when appropriate for the clinical situation. It needs to be delivered if at all possible with caring compassion. Timing is critical. It does not replace the use of other therapeutic modalities but rather blends in with them to enhance the effectiveness of the client’s work.

Couples, Marriage

Can A Marriage Heal When A Partner Strays?

Namaste Family Services
October 16, 2019

When two people take the vows of marriage, it is an implied commitment that it will last as “long as both shall live.” The sacred trust of fidelity will not be broken. However, for many reasons, some will seek intimacy elsewhere. In most cases, the infidelity is discovered. The effects of this can be devastating. Betrayal, anger, abandonment, revenge, are all normal reactions when the affair is discovered. It may be as simple as excessive flirting, emotional attachment and finally sexual relations. In my practice, I have been witness to many levels of adultery. I have seen the pain it can cause, not only to the spouse but also to the children.

Can the marriage be saved, or will it break apart? Maybe, it depends on many factors. What triggered one spouse to seek another? Is there a lack of intimacy in the marriage? Abuse? Alcohol or drug abuse? One partner who believes that there are better mates out there. Whatever the reason, two critical things are needed to at least start the process of healing. The willingness to forgive and the willingness to accept accountability.

For many, when their trust is broken, they cannot trust the person again. For some, betrayal starts early in childhood, usually by a parent. If this is the case, the trust may have never been given, or cannot be regained. I have heard the saying that I will forgive but never forget. But is that true forgiveness?

On the other side of this equation is how does a spouse prove they are trustworthy? The simple answer is you can’t. Only faith and true forgiveness can restore a marriage to what it had once been.

How does a couple overcome this? When I work with a couple I will always ask each of them why you married your spouse. Did the love you had just disappear? Or did it eroded over time? Eros is the love of sexual attraction, and connection. It is basic to our instincts but usually fades and if possible it turns into Philia love. The love that holds a family together. Commitment, sacrifice, appreciation, and loyalty. This is the love that can stand up to life’s challenges. In its purest form, it is unconditional. When a spouse is unfaithful, either Philia’s love was never achieved, or it was ground down over the years.

While one spouse may break the vow of fidelity, both spouses usually have a responsibility to the breakdown of the marriage. The one who was betrayed may feel they hold the higher ground. This can turn into a power play that never helps the couple to regain balance in the marriage. Righteous anger is toxic. In addition, anger is usually used to cover more feelings of vulnerability. Acknowledging these emotions takes courage.

So how does one start to heal the relationship? Resolution is the key. This is where a marital therapist may play a role. An impartial, trained professional who seeks to put the relationship first. The couple must have a sincere desire to commit to the process and be open-minded. All connections to the one in which the spouse was cheating must end. There cannot be a third person in the counseling sessions lurking in the background.

The counseling process begins by gathering information on the marriage and on the background of each partner. Strategies to reconnect are suggested. Compassionate communication techniques are introduced along with the concept of “fair fighting”. Jumping starting or reinforcing basic intimacy is attended to with the specific needs of each couple considered. Other factors that are stressors or create distance are also addressed.

The process of reconciliation and recommitment to the marriage is arduous. A journey that takes love, courage, and commitment. There is no one set path to follow. But it is not an impossible journey if both truly want to stay married.

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Uncategorized

Dangerous “Dabbing”, Vaping Marijuana is Latest Trend

Namaste Family Services
October 3, 2019

Twenty-five states and the District of Columbia have now legalized marijuana in some form. And the trend continues unabated: this year could see marijuana being legalized for recreational use in an additional 10 states and for medical use in an additional six states.

The march toward legalization has brought a dramatic change in attitude. Once perceived as a serious threat to public health and safety – if not a downright evil – marijuana is now considered by most to be safe – on the order of drinking alcohol, but safer. Many even consider it to be good for them. Fifty-four percent of American registered voters support full legalization, and 12.5 percent of American adults use marijuana, including a third of high school seniors.

In some ways, this swing in attitude is understandable given that since 1970 marijuana has been lumped in the same category as heroin and cocaine as a schedule I drug. The drugs placed in this category were defined as drugs that had a high potential for abuse, no accredited medical use, and a lack of accepted safety. This designation was supposed to be based on scientific evidence but in the case of marijuana little research existed. As a Schedule I drug, it then became much more difficult for researchers to get funding to research marijuana’s potential benefits and dangers. This lack of science left a vacuum between the official government position on marijuana and the common sense of the general public that could see that marijuana did not have the same addictive liability as cocaine or heroin. Not surprisingly, some began to question the strict prohibition of marijuana because of the perceived health benefits of marijuana and harsh sentencing laws that were enacted in the 1980s. This disconnect between policy and conventional wisdom has left many people dubious of claims by government leaders and health professionals that marijuana does pose some health risks. These risks are especially pronounced for young people under the age of 25 whose brains are still maturing and therefore are at an increased risk of the neurologic consequences of marijuana.

These young marijuana users are also more likely to be exposed to newer, more potent forms of marijuana including a dangerous marijuana extract called “dabs” that is rapidly gaining popularity. The vulnerability to the dangers of dabs is enhanced by the fact that this highly potent, distilled version of marijuana is barely a blip on the radar screens of the health, education and law enforcement authorities who are often the first bulwark of defense against harmful drug trends. This is important because when a young person admits to using marijuana, it is crucial that parents and educators learn more about the type and potency of the marijuana that is being used. In our times, not all marijuana is created equal.

Also known as butane hash oil (BHO), honey oil, budder (or butter), crumble, shatter and wax, dabs are a highly concentrated extract of THC (tetrahydrocannabinol) – marijuana’s psychoactive ingredient. While the typical joint is 11 to 21 percent THC, a dab can be 80 percent or more. The result is a high that has been described as “ferocious.” And therein lies the danger – or part of it. In fact, dabbing can be dangerous in a number of ways:

Adverse health effects – Dabbing can lead to rapid heartbeat, blackouts, psychosis, paranoia, and hallucinations, as well as to accidents and falls. Some are also concerned about the potential for abuse posed by a drug that delivers such a rapid, potent high. In one study, researchers found that users viewed dabbing as a more dangerous form of cannabis consumption because of the tolerance that is developed – ever-larger doses are required to produce the same effect. Also, although many proponents would repudiate the idea of marijuana as a gateway drug, the immersion in a dabs drug culture holds the potential to lead to the abuse of other substances, especially among the emotionally or genetically vulnerable. Indeed, while dabs are similar to marijuana flowers because they contain the same psychoactive ingredient (THC), they are about as similar in potency as regular beer (~5% alcohol by volume) is to Everclear vodka (95% alcohol by volume).

• Consumption – Dabs are typically consumed in an “oil rig” consisting of a glass water pipe and a hollow metal rod called a “nail.” The nail is heated with a blowtorch, then the dab is placed on the hot surface and the vapors are inhaled through the water pipe. In addition to the risks associated with inhaling off-gasses from the oil rig and contaminants in the dab, there are risks associated with heating the nail to hundreds of degrees. One study inexperienced users found no increased risk of accident or injury, but John M. Stogner, the co-author of an article on dabbing in “Pediatrics,” noted that the situation may be different for novice users who are more likely to be cognitively impaired while using the dangerous equipment.

Dabs can also be consumed in an e-cigarette-like “vape pen.” While the use of a vape pen eliminates the dangers associated with an open flame, it increases the appeal because of the getting-away-with-it factor. Users are brazenly dabbing on the street, at sporting events and even in school, within full view of clueless authority figures.

• Manufacture – The production of dabs is a dangerous process in which butane gas is used to extract the THC. The butane is then burned off, leaving only the thick concentrate. Amateurs can accidentally ignite the volatile butane vapors, leading to fires, burns, and explosions so severe that they have destroyed homes. Law enforcement authorities are concerned that dabs’ increasing popularity will prompt more people to try making their own, especially given the ease with which it is made and the ready availability of instructional videos on the Internet.

While more research is needed on the risks of dabbing, it is likely that the accepting attitudes fostered by the legalization trend are increasing the rate of experimentation with this new form of marijuana. Health, education and law enforcement authorities need to educate themselves about the dangers and get the word out that dabs are not “just pot.” Indeed, the increased popularity of dabbing is worrying even the most hardcore of marijuana proponents. In the words of a writer for “High Times,” which describes itself as the “definitive source for all things marijuana,” “… the fashionability of a form of cannabis consumption that does lead to people passing out and getting wheeled away on stretchers should give us pause.”

Dr. Jonathan Horey is a chief medical officer at Sunspire Health, a national leader in the treatment of addiction. www.SunspireHealth.com

Huffington Post; 08/12/2016 05:35 pm ET Updated Aug 13, 2017

Adolescents, Mental Health, Video Games

Violent Video Games Are Bad For Kids?

Namaste Family Services
June 14, 2019

Violent video games are bad for kids. This isn’t new information, but we think it’s worth repeating.

Are there more young people who lack a true understanding of how final and profound death really is?

Are there many who lack concern for the value of human life? Are you noticing more who seem de-sensitized to violence? Do many lack empathy? Are many amused when someone is hurt, more concerned with recording video than helping the person in need?

Of course, we can’t lay the blame for societal violence solely at the feet of violent video games. But they do play a role.

“Not so!” many cry. “Most people who play video games don’t turn into killers.”

True. But… are these games really necessary? What benefit is there in making a game out of shedding blood? Do we really want such “games” going on in our homes?

The video game industry has found a way around this… at least in their own minds. “The objects being destroyed are not people,” they argue. “They are aliens, zombies, droids, and other non-human things.”

Most have eyes, ears, legs, arms, hands, heads, and other human attributes. Could it be that this killing of human-like, non-human things contributes to the mindset that nothing is truly human? This could be a stretch, or maybe not. For a game… a simple plaything… is it really worth taking the risk with our children’s impressionable minds?

Do you know any kids who argue when it’s time to get off the game? Any kids who insist they are completely unaffected (as their pulses race and their blood pressure rises)?

When young brains repeatedly practice and celebrate the violent destruction of life there are consequences. Those brains are affected in real and negative ways.

You may want to read a research paper for yourself:
DOWNLOAD PDF

Anderson CA, Shibuya A, Ihori N, Swing EL, Bushman BJ, Sakamoto A, Rothstein HR, Muniba. (2010) Violent Video Game Effects on Aggression, Empathy, and Prosocial Behavior in Eastern and Western Countries: A Meta-Analytic Review. Psychological Bulletin.

Do we want our children’s brains rewarded for violence and destruction? Do we want them rewarded for this with points, scores, progress along levels, and accolades from others? Might it be better if our kids experienced the good feelings associated with generosity and kindness?

“How naïve!” some will argue. “What’s wrong with having a little fun?”

We’d rather see our kids having fun engaged in healthier activities.

– Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend.

Charles Fay, Ph.D.
Dr. Charles Fay & Jedd Hafer

Adolescents

Five Ways to Foster Purpose in Adolescents

Namaste Family Services
January 16, 2018

Research suggests that young people rarely have a sense of purpose—but we can take steps to help them cultivate it.

BY KENDALL COTTON BRONK | DECEMBER 21, 2017

My research over the past fifteen years has focused on young people’s purposes in life. My colleagues and I have explored the things that inspire purpose in the lives of youth; we’ve studied the way purposes develop; and, we’ve investigated the difference it makes for youth to lead lives of purpose.

Over a decade and a half of work, at least two important findings have emerged. First, we’ve learned that leading a life of purpose is beneficial in more ways than one. Purpose is associated with physical health, including better sleep, less chronic pain, and longer lives; and psychological health, including hope, happiness, and life satisfaction. The second thing we’ve learned is that the experience is rare. Only about one in five high schoolers and one in three college-aged youth reports leading a life of purpose.

Taking these findings together—that leading a life of purpose is a beneficial but rare experience—members of my Adolescent Moral Development lab and I began to explore ways of fostering purpose among young people. In the process, we learned a lot about how young people identify meaningful, long-term goals that allow them to contribute to the broader world. Below I outline five empirically based approaches parents and mentors can use to help youth discover a personally meaningful direction in life.

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Adolescents, Mental Health

4 steps to deal with anxiety, tragedy, or heartache

Namaste Family Services
July 10, 2017

By Eric Baker, Jul 7, 2017- The Ladders

You don’t remember me, but I was in your experiment a year ago. I just wanted to thank you. It changed my life.”

James Pennebaker has had a number of people say this to him over the years.

In the early 80’s he came across a study showing that people who experienced personal traumas but didn’t discuss them were more likely to get sick.

He wondered if just writing about their emotional upheavals could help people recover. And the research he did changed lives.

In the 30 years since, hundreds of studies have documented the effectiveness of expressive writing.

It helped with anxiety, tragedy, heartache . . . It even gave relief to those coping with cancer, heart disease, chronic pain, and AIDS.

People who write about their problems gain a host of benefits including feeling happier, sleeping better, and even getting better grades.

10 people to avoid like the plague namaste family services

Mental Health

10 toxic people you should avoid like the plague

Namaste Family Services
July 6, 2017

By Travis Bradberry

“People inspire you, or they drain you — pick them wisely.” – Hans F. Hansen

Recent research from Friedrich Schiller University in Germany shows just how serious toxic people are. They found that exposure to stimuli that cause strong negative emotions — the same kind of exposure you get when dealing with toxic people — caused subjects’ brains to have a massive stress response.

Whether it’s negativity, cruelty, the victim syndrome, or just plain craziness, toxic people drive your brain into a stressed-out state that should be avoided at all costs.

Studies have long shown that stress can have a lasting, negative impact on the brain. Exposure to even a few days of stress compromises the effectiveness of neurons in the hippocampus, an important brain area responsible for reasoning and memory. Weeks of stress cause reversible damage to brain cells, and months of stress can permanently destroy them. Toxic people don’t just make you miserable — they’re really hard on your brain.

The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance. TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we’ve found that 90% of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control. One of their greatest gifts is the ability to identify toxic people and keep them at bay.

It’s often said that you’re the product of the five people you spend the most time with. If you allow even one of those five people to be toxic, you’ll soon find out how capable he or she is of holding you back.

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Adolescents

Teen suicide: Third Leading Cause of Adolescent Death

Namaste Family Services
June 28, 2017

Factors that influence adolescent behavior and how they may be mitigated Confidence comes with every card

By Dr. Beecroft . M.D

Teenage and adolescent suicide is a very serious issue in the United States. Suicide is the second leading cause of death for young people 12 to 18. Each day in the U.S. there are, on average, more than 5,240 suicide attempts by young people grades 7-12. The National Center for Health Statistics, in 2003, reported the suicide rate was 7.3 per 100,000 among youth aged 15-19, making it the third leading cause of death among adolescents at that time showing an increasing During a recent continuing medical education conference sponsored by Harvard medical school, Marisa Silveri, Ph.D., a behavioral neuroscientist at McLean Hospital, shared some insights about why adolescents may be particularly vulnerable to suicidal thoughts and actions. We develop additional myelination of neurons as we age and for this age group this enhances the connection between the amygdala and the frontal lobe, Silveri said. This connection enhancement helps modulate the impulsiveness and “right now” thinking that characterizes adulthood. This helps us think through the consequences of actions rather than just act. Having more life experiences and learning from consequences of earlier decisions also helps us problem solve the options available to us as we age, she explained. This experience isn’t usually available to teenagers as they haven’t been exposed to as many life lessons and, therefore, have fewer options to choose from. The stresses on teenagers are immense. Pressure from peers, parents, siblings, bullying, news media, social media, as well as educational and vocational expectations can seem overwhelming. This is especially true if there is an unforeseen circumstance that occurs to derail future plans.

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Address	:	110 N Main Street, Suite A, Chelsea, MI 48118
Phone	:	(734) 231-0659
Email	:	mpatterson.msw@gmail.com

Address	:	110 N Main Street, Suite A, Chelsea, MI 48118
Phone	:	(734) 231-0659
Email	:	mpatterson.msw@gmail.com

Premarital Counseling

Spanking does more harm than good

What is Reality Therapy?

Can A Marriage Heal When A Partner Strays?

Dangerous “Dabbing”, Vaping Marijuana is Latest Trend

Violent Video Games Are Bad For Kids?

Five Ways to Foster Purpose in Adolescents

4 steps to deal with anxiety, tragedy, or heartache

10 toxic people you should avoid like the plague

Teen suicide: Third Leading Cause of Adolescent Death

Factors that influence adolescent behavior and how they may be mitigated Confidence comes with every card

By Dr. Beecroft . M.D

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